Whoosh, A Year Just Went By

I’m sure a lot happened in the past year – it must have if not even one blog got written!

It’s a good time to get rolling again – tomorrow is our third wedding anniversary!

As I sit here at the computer, I look often at our wedding picture on my desk. We both look pretty much the same, although you won’t catch us wearing those funny costumes.

But looks are often deceiving. Even physically we’re not the same. We’ve replaced all of our individual cells with new ones, some of which have changed color and shifted around a bit.

We’ve had a wonderful year together. We survived winding down a business, recovered financially, and invented a positive future together. We’ve made a lot of terrific new friends. Two family members moved nearby.

Most importantly, our relationship has deepened. More and more each day I appreciate the important part Joyce plays in my life – supporting me through the ups and downs – always there for me – listening, reflecting, offering her wisdom and insight. Allowing me to be there for her. What a blessing!

When each day brings a new adventure, a year can go by in the blink of an eye. But we take time each day to express the love, appreciation, and respect we feel for each other, through our words, our deeds, and our hugs.

Happy anniversary, honey!

Friends

We recently fielded a last-minute request to serve as officiates at a local wedding. During the course of the conversation, it came out that the caller was not the bride, but rather a friend of the bride.

It’s not unusual for us to receive last-minute calls. People do make last-minute decisions to marry and ministers do sometimes cancel. We’ve never had the call come from anyone other than the bride or groom however.

It turns out that the friend is hosting the wedding at her house. Nice, huh? Most of the wedding party is from “back east,” and she thought it would be more fun for them to come to sunny Arizona for the wedding. She made that affordable by sharing her home.

But wait. Later in the conversation, we found out she is eight months pregnant!

Is she nuts, or is she the kind of friend we each would enjoy having?

Better question: are we this kind of friend?

I love thinking about how this friend will affect the upcoming wedding. She’s thinking she would like to become a wedding planner. I think she’s going to be a great one!

She’s already a great friend!

A Message to Parents

Your kids don’t get it.

Yes, we know they’re floating around in the clouds now that they’re engaged and the stage has been set for them to live happily ever after.

Yes, we know they’re too busy to think, between working, planning, and living the life.

Yes, we know they’re being bombarded by pitches from wedding vendors and advice from their goofy friends.

Yes, we know they’re worried about the future – their new home, their 2.6 kids, their dog, and their SUV.

But can’t they just take a minute to listen to us? What WE want?

We certainly could teach them a thing or two, which we would gladly do if it would save them some of the pain we went through. If only they’d listen. If only they’d do it our way. Some of us are paying for the wedding after all.

Well, here’s the message. You’re not helping.

That’s right, you heard me. You’re being your parents. Or your in-laws. Or your friends. You’re not any better at being parents of the bride or groom than you were at being the bride or groom.

How could you be? From reading a wedding planning book? Give me a break.

You want a joyful wedding and a joyful marriage for your kids. Who wouldn’t. You love them.

If you pause to think about it, that’s exactly what they want too – a joyful wedding and a joyful marriage.

So what’s the problem?

I’m going to let you figure that one out yourselves. But here’s a clue: How about engaging the kids in meaningful conversation about what a joyful wedding looks like for them? About what a joyful marriage looks like for them. Get beyond what flavor cake we’re having. Get to the vision. Get to what’s important.

Then ask yourself the same questions. And share those answers with the kids.

I’m pretty sure you’re going to be surprised by the results!

Not Just Another Party

February 26, 2007-
It’s just another one of twenty million benchmarks
In a sea of firsts, this one is a second
A click on that spinning wheel which never slows
Giving meaning to it isn’t difficult
It brings to mind a purple evening filled with joy
As we celebrated out intention to live as one
And gave official birth to the vision we live daily
A vision that fills me up with all that I cherish
Thank you for being my partner, companion, lover,
And soul mate

An Important Message

Recently a friend of ours, who practices natural healing, described his shock at learning that at least two-thirds of his patients did not want to get well.

After a while, he figured out the many benefits of sickness: lots of attention and sympathy, time off work, release from the expectations of others, freedom to choose when to participate – stuff like that.

On the one hand, this seems bizarre. On the other, it makes perfect sense.

I think it may explain why brides and grooms don’t seem interested in wedding coaching. After all, misery brings attention and sympathy. You may have to take time off work to get your wedding planning done. When you make a mistake, don’t look your best, or hurt someone’s feelings, they’ll understand because they know what you’re going through in the wedding vortex. If you don’t want to show up, you can just blame it on all of the many burdens of wedding planning.

You’ll probably never have this kind of opportunity again – until you end up in the hospital. But you’ll be wearing a different kind of gown then.

The price, however, could be your life. Not just in choosing sickness over health – but in choosing misery over joy. I’m not talking about your wedding, which can still be quite miserable; I’m talking about your marriage.

You see, when you get used to choosing misery instead of joy, you grow ever more attached to those things you get from your misery. Don’t fool yourself by thinking you’re going to turn it off on your honeymoon.

When we talk with wedding vendors about the coaching we do, the one comment they ALWAYS make is “Where were you when I got married??”

The Morning After

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. Now what?

Let’s see, you probably find yourself in one of these situations this morning:

- The day went great – you’re looking forward to a romantic year ahead.
- The day went south – you’re in recovery mode.
- You spent the day alone – time for a change.
- You’ve got a wedding to plan.

If the day moved your relationship to a new level, congratulations! You can go even higher in the days ahead. First, you need to solidify your gains. What’s true about your forward leap? Besides feeling different, what IS different? Think about how you will reinforce these differences. What will your life together be like now?

If you’re in recovery mode, congratulations! You’re on your way up. Endings are also beginnings. Take a few moments to learn from the past, and then move on. What will you do differently next time? More important, how will you BE different next time? Write out your desires. Describe your ideal partner and the relationship you want. Then think about how to become the person who will attract that person and that relationship.

If you spend the day alone, congratulations! Being alone is perfect preparation for being together. Needy people attract needy partners. When you’re comfortable alone, you attract people who can take care of themselves, with enough energy to spare to build a strong relationship. Being alone is ok, especially if it’s your choice. Is it your choice? If not, what changes will you make in order to attract your ideal partner? Are you willing to make these changes?

If you just got engaged, congratulations! You’re entering an exciting time of great change and growth. You can choose to consciously use your wedding planning to set up your marriage, or leave your wedding, and your marriage, to others. Now’s the time to focus on your vision for your marriage, and get started bringing that into existence. Will you plan your future together? Or is one of you in charge? Do you set boundaries with friends and relatives, or do they set them? Keep your eyes on your marriage and hang on to your partner. Otherwise, the wedding vortex will swallow you.

It may be just another day in February, with a lot more pink than the rest. Or, perhaps it’s a beginning for you. We’re fond of saying how difficult change is. How about focusing on how exciting it can be? Throw yourself into creating the future relationship you desire and deserve. Let’s make it a great year for love!

Conscious Choice

Today is the wedding date of my parents, 57 years ago. My mom passed on 20+ years ago after 30+ years of marriage, and my dad remarried a couple of years afterwards. He was married the 2nd time for almost 20 years, before his wife died. For couples to remain together these days for such lengths of time is not as common as it was in my parents’ generation.

However, back then, couples remained together through thick and thin. Most women didn’t feel they had a choice to leave if their husband turned out to be totally different from the man they thought they’d married, or they discovered who they truly were or even if it was an abusive marriage. Men were similarly boxed in: they had the role – and pressure – of breadwinner. Of course, couples married “for better or worse, for richer or poorer...” and divorce was not really permitted.

I am grateful that these days we can all consciously choose what we want in life, in a partner, in a marriage. This permits great freedom. It also requires taking responsibility. Are you up to it?

Are you up for creating the marriage of your dreams? You can, you know.

Your thoughts and your intentions are powerful and creative. You need to be clear in both if you are to actualize your heart’s desire. It’s not the easier way, but it sure is the more fulfilling one. And, it starts right after the engagement when you forge ahead on your wedding planning project.

When you consciously choose and create for your highest good, your being married for decades will be meaningful and based on true values and not because you felt you didn’t have the freedom to live the life and be with The One you wanted.

Freedom. Choice. Responsibility. Joy.

It’s up to you.